


Hongseok: I Am...

by writingaboutboys (nicrt)



Series: Centric Collections [1]
Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Gen, centric fic, hongseok-centric - Freeform, writingaboutboys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-05 06:51:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4170150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicrt/pseuds/writingaboutboys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hongseok is an honest boy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hongseok: I Am...

**://Honesty**

Hongseok is an honest boy.

A book too open, with pages too white and covers too thin; anyone would have been able to hurt him then.

But that's how he is, was and will be.

Because even after every burn, every tear, every scratch and every bruise; he's endured far longer than anyone could've imagined.

So he'll always rewrite himself, again and again, until his covers are made of steel and his pages turn gold.

**://Scars**

When he says he's endured a lot, it's because he has.

Not the kind that had him sweat buckets on the studio's floor, to collapse onto a bed too small for him and made his muscles scream in lethargy and pain.

A mental scar is less forgiving than a physical one.

His memories are tossed with the pressure of assessment books and future schools, of ink-stained notes and sleepless nights. Well, sleepless nights are nothing new to him; so is the mounting pressure on his shoulders, to do well and do better.

Hwa Chong, Tianjin and UIBE; the footprints he's left behind, the past of a student who's faced stress and duress.

It's left a few cuts on his mind; he still remembers the boy too tired to finish his math problems but too scared to not finish it.

He'd rather crash onto the floor exhausted from dancing than knock his head into a history book again.

**://Lies**

They told him about it. That he'll be playing the role of the villain, too arrogant in his skills and too different in his manners. Okay, he said.

Because he gets to sing.

So he'll pretend to be aloof, act like he's above them, personify an evil doer.

Because he gets to sing.

(Maybe Hongseok was lying to himself instead.

That he'll get through this without feeling pained or hurt or shamed.

He'll be the monster because he's thrown what he was away already. No longer a ragged dirty book, and more of a force to be reckoned with.

Because he gets to sing.)

**://Okay, Sorry**

He gets the shock of his life, yeah, because wow, he didn't know his sunbae-of-a-dongsaeng (or was it dongsaeng-of-a-sunbae?) was that serious. For all the attempts to act cool, he's overwhelmed by the waves of shame and regret.

So, he's genuinely sorry; it shows on his face when he watches the clip, where he's being shot down by his younger and he doesn't know how to feel except being apologetic.

Hanbin's right. If he really wants to be a singer, he should put it all in. More than his sweat, more than his tears, more blood, scars, pain; he has to bare himself to his goal if he wants to live his dream.

Good thing he knows how to pretend to be okay.

**://Alone**

Hongseok, despite playing the bad guy, makes friends.

Surprisingly, it's Bobby who approaches him first;  it's with a small smile, his version at least, where his teeth still shines and the eyes disappear. He's sat himself right next to Hongseok, shoulder to shoulder and covered in sweat.

"Ew." Was the first thing he breathes.

That starts a round of rambunctious laughter from Bobby; a little too forced but it made Hongseok chuckle. Least he's trying to be friendly.

They end up talking about their positions of their dance moves, debating on the uniqueness of raps and ballads and mocking the others on their funny mistakes.

Hongseok feels a little better then, as they leave at 5 in the morning after a 24 hour practice.

A little more honest and a little less monster.

**://Truth**

He knows he won't debut as the last member of iKon.

Villains don't get to play the hero.

They don't get happy endings.

**://Steel**

Singing was his passion.

Passion was his fire.

Talent was his smith.

And he was raw, unrefined steel.

In the way he's made himself from the hurt boy with his books; victimised. In the way he's made himself the bad guy; criminalised.

He's training and talented; a raw power still need to be forged and tampered.

Ten to six. Ten to six.

Hongseok knows his metal won't be used in iKon's sword.

So he'll turn himself into a sword on his own.

**://Borders**

"Your English is pretty good."

"I speak a little better in Mandarin though."

"Hey least you speak three languages. Pretty awesome."

"I am awesome, duh."

"Jerk."

"Jealous."

"Maybe. You get to see your Mom."

"Not always. Even before."

"Right...from Korea to Singapore and Beijing right? How was it for you, being overseas away from family?"

"Wasn't easy. My brother was around though, so it was tolerable."

"Well you're back home now."

"Being back home feels like coming into another country. Like meeting a total stranger."

"Liar. You go to karaoke bars, sing Park Hyoshin songs, eat galbi like a blackhole; you definitely miss this place."

"Yah, remember how should you talk to your hyung!"

"Aww c'mon hyung! You know you love me!"

"Shuddup fool!"

**://Maybe**

Yeah. Maybe he did.

**://Books**

He was a bookworm.

The whole dorm knows that now.

Each time they pass by his bed, there'll be the colossal mess made of blankets, clothes and books.

He reads like he eats; inhales every printed word in a single breath. By the end of a week, he'll finish at least three books.

"Don't you get bored reading?"

"It makes good dreams in my head."

Better ones than when he's asleep.

Donghyuk says he should have studied arts in school then, or at least literature.

He's thought about it. Taking the arts stream, studying what he loves and then graduating with a diploma, maybe a degree or higher. He's good at studying. Which was why he took business and accounts instead he reasoned.

And yet here he was. Out of school and thrown out of the sheltered life he once knew.

He'll be okay, Hongseok thinks.

He's always been okay.

**://Maths**

Chanwoo is next to him, glaring at the abomination known as homework in front of him. It's numbers, symbols and letters put together to form an equation; why in world would they do that in Mathematics of all subjects?

The maknae groans and gets up from his seat, muttering about getting some water.

When he returns with potato chips in hand, he finds a scrap of paper with a step by step solution to the problem.

 _Signed, Hong  
_ _Good luck Maknae! :D_

**://Machine**

Ten to six. Ten to six.

The lights are still on and the aircon is switched to full blast, but Hongseok still feels perspiration rolling off his skin. His tank is drenched with said sweat and his face is red from too much exercise. He shrugs out of the clothing, lets the cool air fan his body.

He glances at the clock, long hand at five and short hand at three. The others have either gone home or are in the other practice rooms. He's alone in this one, a smaller one, a familiar one. He spent quite some time here with Lee Hi, training before he debuted in the show. It was supposed to be something like tuition lessons; preparatory classes in order to know what subject you're going to be diving head first into.

Hongseok stands in front of the mirrors again. He feels something burn in his eyes but he's pretty sure that's the swea- nope. No, those are definitely tears crawling out of the hole in his heart. His nose starts to clog up, oh that's not good. He dislikes it when that happens; makes him feel choked and voice nasally.

But he presses play on his iPod and begins dancing.

His movements feel robotic, too precise and too half-hearted.

There just wasn't any soul in him to dance.

But he does it, slaves through the routine B.I had made for them. Ten to six; he'll go beyond the 5 o'clock expectations his dongsaeng left for him. He'll try and try until he feels like it's never enough. Like how it's not enough to get 98% for all his tests, like how his talent isn't enough to cover his experience, like how he's read numerous of the hated messages online and on his fansites and how…

Hongseok drops onto the floor with a cry, sobbing as if there's some force trying to claw it's way out of his heart. It felt like hours had passed then, nothing but snot and tears running down his face and his halting inhales and racking lungs hurting him.

An arm goes around his form, pulling him into a hug. An awkward one but Hongseok continues crying into the person's shoulder, till he passes out and can't remember the voices around him.

When he wakes up, he's surrounded by pillows, blankets and the members are scattered about him, snoring. Hanbin has his arm around him; there's a suspicious, dark patch on the younger's shirt.

Ten to six.

It's three in the afternoon, past his ten in the morning and midway to six.

He listens to the snores and Hanbin's heartbeat.

And decides to sleep in today.  
  
**://Pride**

Hongseok couldn't help himself; he was pretty much awesome like that.

"Oh my God, what the heck hyung!" Chanwoo screamed, caught between terror and laughter as he reviewed his newly spammed phone.

Somehow, he, Jiwon and Donghyuk had spammed a good two hundred over photos of them making weird faces and poses. They even changed his wallpapers to one of Hongseok's photos: a scarily funny one of him, nose turned up and eyes bulging out.

He felt rather proud for that.

"I'm sharing this on the group chat ohmygod."

"Put it as the profile pic, put it as the profile pic!"

"Crop the nose part, use that!"

"No, no, eye! The eye, you gotta freak them out with the eye!"

 _Yeah_ , Hongseok thinks as the others scramble to shock the others with the picture.

Definitely proud.

**://Ivory**

Hongseok lies awake in his bed, hugging the cookie monster plushie he brought from home.

He's been there since they all got back home. He's been there since their manager told him a message. It was a call from his parents, a simple sentence really.

_Remember the deal._

And now his heart beats a mile a minute, too fast and too worried to be healthy. They're nearing the end of the show now. A few more live stages, a few more weeks and a few more practices; and he'll be…

What?

He made the promise: Be the scary monster on the TV show and come back home to talk about your future.

What future? He's tasted how a song should be like on his tongue, how a kiss with a microphone feels like and how the stage lights and roaring crowd imprint on his skin and mind. He only sees all of these in his future now, addicted to the maybes and possibilities of a career in this line of business.

He's not gold and steel yet; ivory, pristine and tough instead. Hongseok knows how to overlook all the curses and jeers pelted at him now. But he's still chipped around the outside, still hollow on the inside. While he dreams of this future, reality is caving in on him again.

Hongseok doesn't think ivory can last him to the end. 

**://Goodbye**

It hurts.

It hurts worse than when he left Korea all those years back to settle in Singapore. Worse than when he fell from that one tree and scrapped his knee that one time. Worse than when he had failed economics and his father went ballistic, making him lock himself in the room to punch a few times on the wall. Worse than when he was played by one of the girls at Tianjin, having fallen for her hard, but never reciprocated.

It hurts worse because he realises he's not okay with leaving the group.

He never was good at moving on.

**://Future**

The deal is done.

But not his passion.

Not his hopes.

Not his dreams.

He's met with a judgmental-staring father and a teary-eyed mother.

When he tells them that _I will not fail_ , his mother nods.

His father sighs but nods as well.

The deal was done; he had his taste of the limelight. Now, he gets to chase after his dream for real.

**://Love**

He spent his days travelling, around some countries; Japan, Taiwan, South Korea, China, Singapore, Malaysia, etcetera. It's more on taking a break after a long time; filming a survival show in already stressful situation called training does that to someone. His parents, ever so doting and loving, allowed him this privilege. (Mostly because they've seen him break down before, and it wasn't the most memorial or familial thing to do together.)

Otherwise he's been at home, practising his singing and dancing because he still wants to be a singer, or reading some new books he's picked up and occasionally re-reading his old ones. Sometimes he leaves the dark hole called his room, meeting up with long-time friends like Yoonsu, or with Jinhyeong whom he speaks to often now, or with the newly formed members of iKon.

His phone's notification goes off with a 'ping', while he's basking under the little sunlight during the cold weather of winter.

_Hongseok-oppa! We miss you!_

He has a secret SNS, because well, he'd rather keep his personal life private. He doesn’t like his demons to show themselves as a digital stream. But he does read and see all the support his fans (he actually has  _fans_ ; he's still in disbelief) give him. It's what made him smile throughout the show, knowing that he's made some impact on the world and wow, they're reaching back out to him.

He'll probably ask Yoonsu to take a picture of them together again; another thank you for their support.

A text message comes in.

_Yah, Hongseok! Come on, practice is starting in ten._

His new members are different, Hongseok has noted this after he's signed the new contract and met the other trainees. And they love a little differently from how the YG trainees had loved him.

Hongseok smiles though, when he greets them as he enters the practice room. They cheer for his timely arrival and the maknae latches onto him strongly, pulling him forward to sit down with them, laughter echoing throughout the room.

It's a different love; he'll be honest about that.

But he's loved more now.

He thinks he'll be okay now.

**://Fans**

_To my lovely fans, thank you for your support!_

_I will be a Hong who will be even more hardworking now!_

_I will showcase you all my talents and experience for sure!_

_Until then, see you!_

_Pyong! :D_

**Author's Note:**

> It’s a Hongseok-centric fic now! And one of my most random fic written to date. 
> 
> No plot really, just some random things I noticed and headcanon-ed about Hongseok really. In no real way do I know about his actual life before, during and/or after his time on Mix&Match. That being said, this was written purely for my love for him. 
> 
> I wrote some parts before watching the whole season, and some after. Also, these parts were not all written in chronological order. So, happy reading!


End file.
